I have to admit, this Challenge is exactly that, a challenge.  I wanted to push myself to see what it would be like to keep up with a rigorous day-to-day schedule with the kids while trying to generate some freelance writing projects.  Now that I have Christmas down, my days will become a little more open, but wow, do I need the help.  I thought I was cool after my nanny went back full-time to her family, and thought, I can handle this, I’ve done great so far!  But one week without her made me realize what a joke THAT was!  And what I really need her for is to just keep my house organized for me.  As long as I feel organized, I feel like  I can accomplish anything.  But a week of trying to keep dishes done, rooms clean, laundry washed, folded and put away, on top of getting kids back and forth to school, and my husband’s very demanding work schedule….it was enough to wreck havoc on my entire nervous system, and finally caught up with me yesterday. 

Man, did I not live up to my challenge.  I’m not sure when I stopped yelling yesterday, but my kids and my husband took most of the brunt of it.  As I’m lying on the bed with my kids feeling so full of shame and guilt, knowing not only did I let them down, but I also let myself down, I was overwhelmed once again.  This time with their ability to sincerely look me in the eyes, after listening to me rant and rave, and create a universe that I wouldn’t even want to belong in with my language, after I finally calmed down, they snuggled right up next to me and gave me hugs and kisses.  My daughter directing my son to hold on to me and never let me go.  All the while giggling and kissing and holding on to me for dear life.  Almost as though they knew mommy needed to feel loved and reminded that everything is going to be OK.  It’s amazing to me how their love is so unconditional, so not judgemental, and I wonder if I am capable of the same.  Of course, I love them unconditionally, of course I do…but I can’t say I love them completely free of judgement.  My daughter is 4 years old going on 18, and I fear the day that she actually is 18, or 12 for that matter.  My son is so incredibly smart and intuitive, but it drives me absolutely batty how he has this uncanny ability to completely drown out life around him if it’s not interesting to him.  I often struggle with how I will deal with their personalities as they get older, and if one happens to be an addict, or homosexual, or pretentious and selfish.  Would I be able to love them as much as I love them now?  Would I love them the same? 

Funny, actually, my son asked me last night, “Out of all four of your kids, who do you love the best?”.  First I laughed, then I realized that he was serious.  My parents used to say, “We love all of you the same,” but I recently read somewhere that it’s better to tell your children you love them each in their own individual way because they are all different and that is why you love them so much.  The article went on to say by identifying they are all different, they don’t work to be the same so you love them all the same.  This way they are able to embrace their individuality.  Because there is no right or wrong, I suggest you do what feels good for you through your own language and actions, that’s just one persons’ perspective.  Our children will truly never understand how much or how they are loved until they have children of their own.  I know, I know, so cliche it’s disgusting, but it is so true.  I could never have understood my parents’ love for me and my siblings until I had my kids.  Sometimes, I wonder if they still love us as much as they did when we were first born.  I’m sure they do, but in a different way now. 

UGH-my 21-Day Yoga Journal Challenge has not happened the last two days for whatever reason…so tomorrow, I must now catch up with three!  I did manage to get 12 minutes done the first day, and let me tell you, after not practicing for over 6 months, I was definitely feeling 12 minutes of yoga!  But it felt so good.  I can’t wait to start all over again tomorrow. 

Thanks for taking this wacky journey with me…I’m really looking forward to the next few weeks to see what comes from this challenge!